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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Withholdings....

“I just want God’s best for my life.”

Two years ago, when I prayed those words I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into.  For me, I thought God’s best was my dreamiest fairytales coming true and life would happen exactly how I pictured… Sure, there would be a few little bumps in the road- but God’s best is always good so thus, it must be happy, easy, not messy or complicated. (I’m an idealist ok?!?! :) 

What I didn't know when I asked for God's best was that I was walking into two of the hardest, most difficult, uglinest, messy, complicated and depressing years of my life. It was not even close fairlytale- it was more like a constantly, raging battleground for my heart, soul, devotion, affection and life itself.

I’ll spare you the gory details of these two years but bottom line this that they for the majority of the time-SUCKED.  I lost relationships, loved ones, best friends and almost my faith in God and what I knew to be true about Him and who I was in Him. 

I felt hurt, betrayed, abandoned and lost.

You see, I was set on seeing the “BEST” come to pass- the perfect, care-free life finally happen. The love story, engagement, wedding, marriage, house, babies, etc. etc.

Well, truth is that boys have come and went and my hopes got caught up in the thought that THIS might actually be THE ONE. This actually might be my time to shine and fall in love. Time to get the biggest diamond ring put on my finger and FINALLY start planning the wedding I’ve dreamed about since I was 5. I could actually join in on blowing up Facebook and Instagram newfeeds with cheesy selfies for Mancrush Mondays and sapppy declarations of love.. oh and don't forget the perfect, artistically framed engagement pictures...just so that everyone in the social media world would know that MARIAH FOWLER has finally found THE ONE!!!!

Sighhhh...

NOPE.
Mariah is still single.
And as much as I would wish, hope and pray it still wasn’t (and isn’t) happening.

“This wasn’t what I had planned, God. This surely isn’t your best for my life- because if it was- I’d be happy and content right?”

No.

The purpose of all of this is much deeper that just getting my way and the perfect life..
 Let’s face it… IT DOESN’T EXIST!!!!

This is about JESUS getting FULL and COMPLETE glory out of my life.

 This means that life will be hard and painful and awkward and really sucky at times. But in return God gets great glory when we throw up our hands in surrender and say,

“God, I don’t have it all together and I’m a complete wreck and my life is a complicated mess and I have no idea what You’re doing right now and how this will work out. 
But I CHOOSE to believe and trust who YOU are and who YOU say I am.”

In all reality- the fairytale has already begun- His name is Jesus. He is absolutely perfect. He is exactly what I need. His love is faithful and true- never moody, or flakey or failing-even after He sees the ugliest and worst in me. It was actually at my worst- when I was a rebel, dead in my sin that He fell in love- to the point that He gave His very life to redeem me and make me His bride. He has washed me clean and given me a new name- His very own, so that I can be identified with His perfect righteousness and spotless purity. He is Sovereign- He holds EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of EVERY day of EVERY week of EVERY year of my life in His hands and not for ONE MOMENT will He stop being God. He will never leave me or abandon me in this life or in the next. 

PERIOD. END OF STORY.

Oh what glorious LOVE He has richly and freely lavished upon us!

So yes, life is hard and in and of myself- my flesh would not have chosen the path that I am walking. But this is God’s best for me- here and now- messiness and all. 

This is    H I S  B E S T. 

Do I still have desires and dreams? YES. Do I still want to get married and have a family? YES. Do I still feel lonely? YES. But in God choosing not to give these things to me in this season is not Him trying to make me miserable or torture me... No, it’s actually because of His great and unfailing mercy that He withholds, even good things, like marriage or relationships. In the waiting, He is using this to sanctify me. Teaching me to continually trust Him and not my own understanding. To rest in His sovereignty. To be content and patient. To enjoy life here and now as a single woman. To believe that His plans are still to prosper even when I've made a wreck of my life.... 

It's not because He doesn't love me that He withholds... it's actually the fact that He loves me too much to let my hope in anything less than Christ. 

Anything short of Jesus will only leave us disappointed and empty.

It is for our greatest good that He does not let us have our way in the end.

The question is.... do we trust Him?

“It would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what it meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
–CS LEWIS

“You make known to me the path of life. In Your Presence there is fullness of joy. At Your right hand is pleasures forevermore.” 
–Psalm 16:11




2 comments:

dawnomite said...

I love your honesty and maturity and I appreciate that you shared it. It's a hard thing, being disappointed with life's circumstances, or realizing your expectations don't (yet) align with God's plans. I was in this boat myself (didn't meet Dave till 25 and wasn't married till 27), and I can't tell you how many friends waited a painfully long time to know the spouse God chose for them. Every single one of them would say it was worth it to not settle for less earlier. And these awesome women of God have found really amazing men of God. I also know some really amazing women of God who remain single for no good reason that I can see, other than God is sovereign and knows what's up. You are holding on to exactly the right truths as you trust in Him, dear Mariah. Because it's worth remembering that even with the husband and the kids and the pinteresty house, life is hard and steadfast trust in Jesus is truly and ultimately all that matters. You are a gem.

transformedtrue said...

Thanks for your raw honesty and your reminder that he knows best!

Kelly